The news of an existing pregnancy inevitably releases emotions in expectant fathers and mothers. However, the questions, the experience and also the concerns are very different in many points. Many men do not know: Becoming a father – what does that actually mean?
Becoming a father isn't hard... or is it?
Many men are not really aware of the significance of this news at the beginning. How could they be? Perhaps it has to do with the fact that for men, not much will change for now. After all, there are still about 9 months between the information and the actual immediate impact on one's own life. So while it is still quite abstract for you, your partner already has to deal with very concrete changes. Developing a common feeling for the existing pregnancy can therefore even be difficult for you as an expectant father, because the changes might not be really comprehensible for you yet.
Involvement in the pregnancy
Naturally, you have a greater distance to the child than the mother. But you too can make an effort early on to bridge this distance and establish a real bond. This is possible even before birth: From about the sixth month, you can clearly feel the child's movements from the outside when you place your hand on your partner's belly.
Talk to the unborn baby, tell them what's going on – who is top of the football league, what you experienced during the day or what the weather is like right now. And don't be shy: You won't get much more reaction from your baby after birth at first either. But: The baby already knows your voice very well because of this, and you are laying the foundation for an intimate father-child relationship.
Also, simply go along to your partner's appointments. This will not only be good for your future relationship with the child, but also for your relationship with her. For example, accompany her to the prenatal check-ups. There you have the opportunity to observe your baby during the ultrasound examinations. This can be very insightful because you can't see much of what's happening inside from the outside. Many pregnant women have a really full schedule (regular gynecologist appointments, acupuncture, pregnancy swimming or the birth preparation course). Simply participate in some of these programs. Choose what interests you personally the most and accompany your partner. Get involved where you can and otherwise keep her back free. For the next 9 months, she is the center of attention.
If this early contact with the child makes you uncomfortable, don't worry too much about it. Don't let it cause you emotional chaos. You are not and will not be a bad father because of it. Your unborn child still perceives you even in the womb.
Ask Dads – the Baby Talk
In this video, Maik Schwede, himself a father of three, and Moritz Rathjen, a father of two, talk about pregnancy and birth from a man's perspective.
The three phases of a pregnancy
Men usually inform themselves differently about questions regarding pregnancy, birth and the postpartum period. Although they read up on the internet or in books, most expectant fathers do not feel sufficiently prepared for the birth and the time afterwards. One reason for this could be that men are less likely to exchange ideas with their partner, friends, relatives or other expectant fathers about upcoming questions than the expectant mother does. However, with such an exchange, men could also clear unanswered questions and concerns out of the way much more effectively.
For many men nowadays, even the thought of their partner's pregnancy is fraught with fear. This is hardly surprising given the many myths and dark stories that surround the topic. Pregnant women are portrayed as externally controlled beings who can do nothing else but eat, snap and send the man out at three in the morning to find pickles somewhere. That is nonsense, of course. Your partner is still your partner, even if she naturally has a lot to go through. Yes, she can develop strange cravings, yes, the mood can fluctuate wildly, but she is still the woman you know and love. And she needs you by her side. You have to find your own way, your own style. There is no patent solution. Open and trusting communication with each other is important. Perhaps you will then find that she is preoccupied with the same worries and fears as you. The unease about increasing responsibility and the fear of losing personal freedom may not only affect you as an expectant father, but the mother perhaps just as much.
Orientation guide: The three trimesters of pregnancy
Men often do not know how to behave during pregnancy. Only one thing helps: knowing as a man what to expect during pregnancy. A pregnancy does not run the same way over the entire 9 months. Usually, it can be divided into 3 phases or trimesters, which run more or less the same for almost every woman. You as a man should also know this in order to be able to adjust to it, because each phase presents you with new challenges.
In the first trimester of pregnancy, your wife has to struggle with the extreme hormonal change. This can bring strong mood swings as well as fatigue, nausea and malaise.
Especially in this trimester, it can happen that you unintentionally take some flak or are rejected. Don't take it personally. Give your wife time to first come to terms with the new situation and all the physical changes herself.
In the second trimester, almost all hormonal changes are complete. During this time, your partner also has hardly any physical impairments. Enjoy this time and use it to make plans for the future and to talk about your ideas or also about emerging fears.
In the third trimester, the last section of pregnancy begins. The further this phase progresses, the less either of you can wait to get the baby out of her body. During this time, it is particularly important to support your wife as much as possible in everyday life, to take as much work off her hands as possible (e.g. in the household) and to pamper her with massages.
Sex during pregnancy
Of course, hormonal and also physical changes in your partner can affect your sex life. Many women feel less desire for physical closeness and sex in the first third of their pregnancy. In the last third, too, the desire for tenderness can decrease significantly. But it's not just women who have a lower sexual desire during pregnancy – men do too. Some men are afraid of breaking something or perceive it as "sex for three". As long as the gynecologist has no concerns, however, there is nothing to stop you from staying active in bed as long as it gives both of you pleasure and fun.
You also change during pregnancy
When changes in pregnancy are mentioned, mostly only women are addressed – after all, they carry the child inside them and change most obviously. Here, men are often completely ignored. Unjustly so.
A lot also changes for expectant fathers, for example, weight. Today we know that the hormone level also changes in men. This can affect eating behavior and metabolism, but also influences the emotional life. A good portion of the hormones released are stress hormones. This can cause you to be chronically tense. This could also be an archaic legacy from the early history of mankind: During pregnancy, the woman is particularly vulnerable and the man, as a protector, is accordingly constantly on alert.
Other changes also point to this. The protective instinct makes itself clearly felt, a certain sentimentality spreads and you will notice a strongly selective perception around the topic of babies and children.
Conclusion
A pregnancy demands a lot from your partner. You should of course support her to the best of your ability. You will get through this together. However, a lot is also going on inside you. And that too wants to be seen and appreciated. You should not neglect your own emotional life. That too has its justification. Ideally, you discuss this with your partner, but there may also be situations in which your thoughts and feelings are better off with your best buddy. In case of doubt, sport helps against weight gain and permanent stress.
We wish you and your partner a wonderful, intimate, intense and harmonious experience of your (!) pregnancy.
By the way
By the third trimester at the latest, you should start thinking about the baby's initial equipment and gradually get everything. Since expectant parents are quickly tempted to buy all sorts of useless frippery for the newcomer, it is recommended to create a checklist. This way you limit yourself to what is really necessary and don't throw money out of the window.
A swing2sleep must of course not be missing from this checklist. To save money, you can also rent it at an attractive price, but you will soon not want to be without it. Even restless babies settle down with the gentle up and down movements of the automatic baby hammock and thanks to the cozy closeness in the cuddly hammock, your little one feels secure as if in mama's belly. When your sunshine then sleeps peacefully during the day, you have a little time for yourself. And especially in the beginning, every minute is valuable.
